You may shake your head with painful memories of large dollar amounts lost, and swear on a stack of Bibles that you’re going to never again be foolish enough to engage in a shoot-out with the One-Armed Bandit, but who are you kidding? Maybe, with a little luck, you will be able to resist the call of the slot machine for a couple of weeks, perhaps even a month or two. But you know damn well that you’ll be back for a rematch sooner or later. You can not just let that Bandit win so easily, can you? No way.

It’s just a machine, in the end, with a «brain» comprised of wires and microchips. You, however, are a living, breathing entity with the capacity for critical thinking and self-reflection. If humankind is to have any hope at all in surviving the global war against machines that surely will come some day, we’d better at least be able to beat the slots. Think of the matter within this kind of sweeping historical context and you will see that it is not simply a choice but an obligation that you should get back on the horse right away.

Before launching on your noble quest in defense of humanity, it could be wise to review some basic information and arm yourself with five crucial tips to success.

You may not realize that the slot machine goes on different names in overseas nations. By way of example, in the United Kingdom, it is called a fruit machine (no jokes about British drag queens, linked webpage please.) In Australia, the slot is described as a «poker machine,» which is much more confusing, but what can you expect from a culture that gives outdoor grills the name of just a little girl’s toy? (Let it sink in for a minute, you are going to get it.)

Anyway, traditional American slot machines are coin-operated and contain three or maybe more reels, which spin any time a lever on the side of the machine is pulled. The machines include a currency detector that validates the cash inserted to play. The machine typically pays off based on patterns of symbols visible in the event the reels stop.

OK, enough for the description. In essence, onto those tips that have been promised a number of paragraphs ago:

Become intimately familiar with each slot machine’s payout schedule. Two identical slot machines will often have radically different payouts. This matters, people.

Look for advertised slot machines offering 96-98% paybacks. Most casinos usually have a number of banks or carousels of high percentage payback slots, which is in which you should play.

Join the casino players club wherever you gamble regularly. Casinos reward players for money and time spent. Even when you do not hit the jackpot, you could still receive comps like meals, discount hotel rooms, and other perks.

This certainly will be a no-brainer, but only play the slot machines you may afford and only spend cash you can risk losing. Seriously.

Walk away when you are losing and become irritated. Playing slot machines is supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, not only a source of ulcer-inducing frustration. When it’s no longer fun, go get a drink and some fresh air.